An exciting new feature here at Movie Wave, it’s time for the Film Music Purée Horoscope.  Read on if you want to know what the coming week has in store.  Remember – the events depicted here are guaranteed to happen, but if you don’t like what you read, please don’t blame it on me.  Neither should you blame it on the sunshine, nor indeed the moonlight.  Instead, you should blame it on Keith Harris and Orville.  Read on…

CAPRICORN (13th December – 12th January)

The week will start with a bang, but don’t take that as a sign you should try to seduce your brother’s wife – she’s already up the duff thanks to your dad.  When the postman doesn’t deliver what you hope for on Thursday, the advice is simple: wait till Friday.  Not because he’ll bring you anything on Friday, but at least it’s almost the weekend.  Your lucky Bee Gee is Barry, admittedly not much of a triumph given he’s the only one left.

TAURUS – THE GOAT (13th January – 12th February)

Frenchmen don’t take kindly to being kneecapped, something you’d do well to remember if you find yourself in Gay Paris.  Your cat will bring you a gift to remember on Wednesday, but not before vomiting over your best rug.  You may or may not want to accept the job offer you will receive.  Your lucky variety of sausage is Cumberland.

LEO – THE LION (13th February – 12th March)

Your television will break down at the vital moment just as Dustin Hoffman presents the Oscar for Best Sound Mixing.  Your previously-unknown fatal peanut allergy will reveal itself later in the week; sadly there’s nothing you can do to save yourself, since the government’s emergency “All food must be prepared using peanuts” legislation is bound to be hurried into law.  Given that you’re going to die anyway, you may as well spend all your money on that tie you’ve been looking at in Tie Rack for the past couple of years.  Your lucky dinosaur is the stegosaurus.

AQUARIUS – THE GOAT (13th March – 12th April)

Police brutality may raise its ugly head in your town on Monday, but remember – two wrongs don’t make a right.  Another thing that’s just not right is the way you speak to the old woman who lives next door – she’s been harbouring a grudge since 1965 when your best friend threw poo over the fence and has been storing every piece of faecal matter she has produced in the 49 years since.  The half-century celebration next year will not be pretty.  Your lucky Tom Jones song is Kiss.

SCORPIO – THE GOAT (13th April – 12th May)

Jesus, Mary and Joseph will pay you a visit – but you’ll never know it because you’ll be dead.  Sorry, there’s nothing more to say – you have no possibility of survival.  The really good news is that you won’t be dead for another five hundred years because you have been selected to participate in the first longevity improvement programme run by the Tahitan government.  Your lucky cryogenically frozen animator is Walt Disney.

CUNNILINGUS (13th May – 12th June)

It’s time to take a trip to the secret garden – the secret lady garden.  Your lucky state of Germany is Bavaria.

MERCURY (13th June – 12th July)

Your relationship with your father in law reaches a new low when he forces you at gunpoint to name your second favourite fictional Belgian detective.  Your didgeridoo-playing uncle is late to the party, but the good news is that he has the law on his side.  When you accidentally launch a Spaniard over a tree housing a loud family of birds, you get the idea for the gross-out comedy movie that will change your life forever – Juan Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.  Your lucky tooth is the molar.

SAGITTARIUS – THE GOAT (13th July – 12th August)

And time goes by so slowly – and time can do so much.  Unfortunately one thing it can’t do is defuse that bomb that’s been placed in one of your blood relatives’ cutlery drawer.  You’re just going to have to phone every single one and suggest they get out of the kitchen – NOW.  Your lucky unelected Eurocrat is Herbert von Rompuy.

AQUARIUS (DID WE ALREADY DO AQUARIUS?) (13th August – 12th September)

There’s nowt so queer as folk, as they say, but they hadn’t considered the shark that will be found in your bathtub with a pair of rubber ducks and an orange.  Believe me when I say – leave the lardons in the fridge and get yourself out of Dodge.  Your lucky piece of furniture that once formed a mighty empire is the ottoman.

DOLLYPARTON (13th September – 12th October)

That prostitute is NOT your girlfriend, so don’t bother even pretending: your boss has seen your type before.  A better way to impress him is with a nice big box of Milk Tray.  Your lucky tinned fish is sild.

PYTHAGORUS (13th October – 12th November)

As the great philosopher Yazz once said, the only way is up.  Don’t despair too much though, a chance encounter with two of the Kaiser Chiefs will turn into a night to remember for all the right reasons.  The time to start training for the 2018 Winter Olympics – to be held in Qatar – is now.  Your lucky gemstone is the emerald.

OHMSS (13th November – 12th December)

You are last and most certainly least.  Everything about your life is utterly worthless, you piece of shit, and you need to take a long, hard look in the mirror.  The thing to remember about mirrors is that you never know when they’re going to be like the ones in NYPD Blue, with Dennis Franz standing on the other side still haunted by the death of Jimmy Smits.  Your lucky wild cat is the ocelot.